I have a chair in my house that has been with me for several years. From that chair I have watched epic movies such as Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. This mighty and often overused chair has been through beer spills, random food stains and unforeseen burns. Now this chair serves a new purpose. It will take me into battle while I lead my troops into the B Movie Battlefield. Remember if your caught don’t let them know anything, only your rank and serial number. Stay strong. We are all getting out of here alive.
This week we put two classic B-Movie gladiators head to head in a battle to the death. Rated on effects, kill scenes and best one liner’s, only the best will be victorious.
The movies this week are The Horror of Party Beach (1964) and How to Make a Monster (1958). In The Horror of Party Beach Tina (Marilyn Clarke) and Hank (John Scott) head to the beach, little do they know the university is maliciously dumping toxic waste from their reactor into the sea. It transforms the bones of a dead person, who happen to be at the bottom of the sea, into the horror of party beach. When Tina is killed the investigation begins. The sea monster / zombies only fear one thing…. sodium. In the second movie, How to Make a Monster, Pete Dumond (Robert H. Harris) is a masterful make up creator, When the studio is taken over by a bunch new executives who want to make movie that consist of musical, jokes and pretty girls, he finds his career at the end. Not wanting to go gently into the night, Pete plans his revenge.
The effects in The Horror of Party Beach were brilliantly campy. The scene where we see the toxic ooze transforming the body is reminiscent of the times I was at the dentist when I was younger and use to watch people through the fish tanks. Of course they didn’t have Muppet style eyes and what looked like a package of sausages for mouth type tentacles. Of course in How to Make a Monster, the plot revolved around an effects artist. The overall effects in the movie were actually very good for a B-Movie and the Frankenstein’s monster character and Werewolf characters looked very good for the time. The one thing that really pushes this movie into the tying slot is that near the end Pete lights a candle in his home. When he does this the entire movie goes from black and white to color. Very seamless, easy transition makes up for the lack of any real campy effects and stalemates it with The Horror of Party Beach. For situations like this I have devised a rating chart to break the tie. It’s the Blood Splatter and Loose Limb chart.
- Excessive…ly Brilliant.
- Body parts torn apart
- Couple bloody bodies
- Mere splatters
- Nothing at all
Using golf rules (lowest score wins) I will use this for a tie breaker in this category. Since How to Make a Monster barely mentioned or eluded to blood the entire movie it gets a 5. The Horror of Party Beach not only hints at blood but shows it every chance it had. With body part removal and massacres it reigns supreme in this category.
Next up, kill scenes. In How to Make a Monster, Pete adds a special compound to the foundation cream which makes the wearer act like they had a frontal lobotomy. After the foundation is applied the actors would become zombies to his will. While one of the nameless studio execs sits watching the new scenes of the Werewolf vs. Frankenstein film. The film starts rolling and we see the werewolf rise from behind the chairs where he is seated. While foaming at the mouth the actor playing the werewolves kills the studio exec who is reviewing the film. This was well done and the foaming looked like a really huge mouthful of alka-seltzer. Unfortunately The Horror of Party Beach fought back with something no movie could defend against. Four words: Epic murderous death montage. Complete with blood campy moves and molestation style killings, this scene alone is all it takes for The Horror of Party Beach to clinch the category and slay How to Make a Monster.
Finally, all though hardly necessary, is the third category. One liners. With amazing one liners to fill out an already campy B movie The Horror of Party Beach shines with great moments including;
“Oh I have some experiments I would like to try and they don’t have anything to do with test tubes”
Staring at a woman dancing “Hey that reminds me did I bring hot dog buns?”
“Oh john, I never let anyone kiss me like this before” “My names not John its Irving” “Well what’s in a name anyways?”
“Can you believe kissing is unhealthy?” “I don’t know I’ve never been…” “You’ve never been kissed?” “No I’ve never been sick”
How to Make a Monster had a weak showing in this category with lines such as;
“Do you remember the time that I accidentally added Novocain to the masks?”
“Were not talking about actors, we mean a real monster”
While both movies never failed to keep my attention and keep me wondering what will happen next, they were hardly of the same caliber. It is safe to say that The Horror of Party Beach outshines How to Make a Monster in every way.
Now hurry, get to the choppa! We are getting out of here.
Benton Sartore on 
Merin on 
Evan Henry on 
