Zombie Strippers
This week on the battlefield we have Zombie Strippers facing off against Donkey Punch. The battle will be fierce and we will lose many. As we move forward into this battle remember the immortal words of the king of B-Movie actors…
“Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and shit… and Jack left town.” – Ash
That really has nothing to do with anything, but I love the quote. I digress; here are the synopses for the battling movies this week.
Zombie Strippers is set in the not too distant future as George Bush gets re-elected for the fourth time with Arnold Schwarzenegger as his vice president, the US finds itself at war with many nations including Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Venezuela, France and Alaska. The government creates a secret re-animation chemo-virus that gets accidentally released into the compound and Z-squad is summoned to clean up the mess. In the clean up effort, the soldier named Byrdflough is bitten by a zombie and, afraid of being killed, he escapes to a hot Nebraskan strip-club owned by the greedy Ianna Esco (Robert Englund… YES!). Byrdflough bites the star Kat (Jenna Jameson) and the stripper spreads the virus eating the flesh of their clients. As the virus begins to spread, turning the strippers into “Super Zombie Strippers”, the girls struggle with whether or not to conform to the new “fad” even if it means there’s no turning back.
Donkey Punch
Donkey Punch has a different flavor. After meeting at a nightclub in a Mediterranean resort, six young adults decide to continue partying aboard a luxury yacht in the middle of the ocean. The 3 men and 3 ladies decide to take a large array of drugs and begin to have sex in a variety of different ways. When one of the men decide to attempt a Donkey Punch they accidentally kill their intoxicated lover, the others argue about what to do next, which leads to a ruthless fight for survival.
Our first category is effects. Essential to any good b-movie, they often make a bad movie great. Let’s see how our two battling films make out this week! The effects in Zombie Strippers were rather good. The zombies themselves were made up really well, this movie in no way suffered from B-movie-itis. While the plot was obvious and full of T & A, the brains and blood were ample and I was more then excited to see more. Donkey Punch on the other hand, starts out like a really bad date, awkward and ugly. The effects were non-existent, and then it truly shines. Just when you think “I’m going to turn this off” the bludgeoning begins. From a vicious donkey punch to blood soaked shirts and brains flying this movie wins the category with intense blood soaked scenes.
Blood soaked greatness is nothing without a great kill scene to accompany it. The kills scenes in Zombie Strippers were rather fun, they were also very typical. Zombies eating brains while dancing and spouting cheesy lines were not enough to win this category. In fact, I don’t feel that any kill scene was good enough to even warrant mention here. While Zombie Strippers was mediocre, Donkey Punch excels in kill scenes. There really isn’t much more to say than “death by outboard motor”. In this movie, one of the girls pick up an outboard motor, which was sitting on a table, starts it up and gores someone’s brains out with the props. The other incredible kill scene in this movie that has to be mentioned is death by flare gun. These kill scenes and more make this movie the true winner of this category.
Zombie strippers had so many one liners that it would give Bruce Campbell or Arnold Schwarzenegger movies a run for the title of most one liners in a movie. They barrage of one liners hold the movie above water, and make you want so much more. Some samples include;
- “Your hands are so cold. Whoa! That’s interesting. Your tongue is so dry.”
- “Nothing comes out of your pants except tips for the girls”
- “Iraq is making us enough money to make god cream in his fucking jeans!”
Donkey Punch had no real one liners. There are a couple reasons for this. Firstly it’s not “that kind of B-movie”. Secondly, I often found myself wondering what the hell the people in this movie were actually saying. The accents were so strong that there were a lot of times I was happy to zone out into the bliss that was the many kill scenes. They may as well have been talking in wookie speak. For these reasons Zombie Strippers is the obvious winner of this category.
Winner!
With the smoke clearing and the wounded being bandaged, we see Donkey Punch on the horizon declaring a victory. While Zombie Strippers has all the makings of a terrific B-Movie, it loses the battle but still ranks as watchable and incredibly fun. Categorically, Donkey Punch is the winner, but If your looking for a great night of B-movies both provide everything you could want in a B-movie.
Merin on 
Captain Z on 
Benton Sartore on 
