MDC – X-Men: The Last Stand

• I have nothing against Brett Ratner (well, prior to this film which is nowhere near entirely his fault IMO) – I really liked Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2, the only other projects he directed that I’ve seen
• I am a big X-Men fan.  Not fanatic, but if there was something I could be accused of being a fanatic about it’s probably X-Men (or Bioware.)
• My favorite comic book super-hero characters are, in the following order, 1 – Cyclops, 2 – Rogue, 3 – Silver Surfer.
• One of my least favorite major comic-book characters is Wolverine, largely due to fan-boy love and vast over-exposure.
• Chris Claremont is probably my favorite X-Men writer.
• I loved the first X-Men movie and saw it 4 times in the theater.  There aren’t many films I’ve seen that many times in at the cineplex. (Terminator 2 is about all that comes to mind.)
• I’m a stickler for the “essence” of something being maintained in translation, whether that means a character or a story.
• I’m a stickler for continuity, a “four-letter word” to people like Bendis and Quesada.
• The Phoenix Saga is one of my favorite story-arcs in comics.
• Whedon’s “Gifted” storyline is another favorite of mine.

There’s obviously a pattern in my biases that is leading to me to not like X3, but I’ll ask that you bear with me because I promise you that its not just personal dislike that makes me say that X3 was horrid.  Honestly.  If it was just me not liking the film (like, say, Matrix Revolutions or Magnolia) I’d let it go at me not liking it.

There will be two prongs to my critique.  First I shall go through the personal reasons  I disliked the film.  By personal I mean things that strike against my tastes and seems insulting to things that I like.  Second I will go into reasons why X3 was bad without looking at anything outside the X-Men trilogy itself.  These are criticisms that should make sense to anyone who’s only seen the one movie, or at most all three movies.

As a palate cleanser before moving on to the main course, I’ll point out what I thought was good in the film.

• Ellen Page as Kitty Pryde – well cast and well acted
• Shawn Ashmore as Jimmy Olsen! No, that’s his brother Aaron- ok, as Iceman then – he’s probably IMO one of the best things about X2 and X3
• Kelsey Grammar cast as Beast – could have been good in another film
• Ben Foster’s acting as Warren (I thought he was good, despite the part being poorly written)

That’s about it.  On to the critique.

Personal reasons.

The film should have been titled “Wolverine: God of War”, “Logan, the Mutant Spartacus” or some such.  He’s the leader, he’s the uniting force, he’s the inspiration, and he’s the only one who can stop the Phoenix.  Seems vastly unlike the Logan of the previous films, let alone the comics.  Wolverine is the ultimate loner and the ultimate killer, by his own admission.  This is just one of many drastic character changes.

Cyclops is destroyed, and I do not mean just that he was killed.  Scott Summers would not become so useless for so long, and he would not leave.  It’s part of him to be an X-Men, even in the films.  This is a drastic misrepresentation of a character, almost solely for the purpose of having to give the actor no screen time due to his leaving this crapfest for greener pastures (you know, at the time I was very angry with Singer for trying to take his whole crew away from X3 for Superman – now I wish he’d grabbed more of the cast.)  His death is meaningless, and a major plot hole that I’ll address in part two.

Rogue is destroyed.  One of the main characters of focus in the first two films, she is relegated to “Bobby’s baggage” and “example of why the cure is attractive.”  I love Anna Paquin as Rogue, she does a great job – except this film, but that’s not her fault.  She was almost written out in the same way as Scott.  My assumption – Halle Berry wanting Storm to be more prominant or she’d walk.

The Morlocks are a joke.  Oh, sorry, Magneto’s Omegas.  Whatever.  Why did they make Callisto a cross between Quicksilver and Caliban?  Why did they make so many New X-Men Academy students into ‘villains’?  Why did Leech become normal looking?

Xavier’s twin brother?  Twin brother?  Argh, I hate Cassandra Nova, and now in the films we have Christopher Nova or some such.  Ugh – why borrow plot ideas from Venture Bros?  Speaking of plots . . .

Pick a damned universe.  Is it the regular Marvel U?  Is it Ultimates?  Is it Claremont’s run or Whedon’s?  And, while you are at it, pick a single story (or two, MAYBE three) and not seventeen.  We have the Rogue / Iceman / Kitty triangle from Ultimates, the “cure” from Astonishing, the Phoenix from Ultimates, I assume, as its not the Phoenix form 616 reality.  (Heh.  616, the original sign of the devil.  Anyway.)  I know, I know, movies will deviate from their source material . . . but this is ridiculous.  You even had Days of Future Past tossed in there (the Danger Room scenario.)  There’s more tossed in there, too.  It’s TOO MUCH story for a movie that has remarkably little story to it.

Sporadic cuts.  Meaningless battles.  Endless boring fight scenes.  I am baffled how people found this mindless, soulless action exciting.  Many fights seemed to exist only because they wanted some combat.  Roger Ebert must be getting senile for liking this aspect of the film – to quote, “”I liked the action, I liked the absurdity, I liked the . . . mutant powers, and I especially liked the way it . . . lets them fight it out with the special effects.”  (Not quote mining, mind you, but removing irrelevant parts of the quote for brevity’s sake – which I just destroyed via this explanation.)

What Singer was going to do.  He had plans for Jean’s resurrection that included the White Queen as a major enemy.  I really, really wish we could have seen that film.

Okay, that’s not nearly all that I personally hated.  But its an expansive sampling that gets the point across.

On to why X3 was bad on its own, outside of and then inside the context that it is the third installment in a successful and largely admired series.

First lets stick to logic consistent (or, as I’m trying to point out, inconsistant) within the film itself.

The cure.  X-Men as a comic, as a concept, and the first two films – all commentary about racism, prejudice and bigotry wrapped up in super-powered entertainment.  But this film diverts from that formula and instead attempts to make an allegory about mutants being like homosexuals.  Like there’s a possible “cure” for this “disease” that the “afflicted” would want.  Ignoring that this is a very, very different parable than almost any other X-Men story I’ve seen (no, I don’t get the same vibe from “Gifted”) it is a terrible analogy.  Rogue’s inability to touch others is NOTHING like having a different sexual orientation, but she becomes the one in the story who wants to go ‘straight’.  Any thinking individual who isn’t homophobic should feel disgusted by the comparison, regardless of the fact that the thrust of the film is pro-gay, er, pro-mutant.  Horrible, horrible analogy.

The sheer violence and level of death.  This is a super-hero movie.  This is a movie that is supposed to be at least somewhat family friendly.  And yet here’s a higher body count than most slasher flicks.  I’m all for good action sequences, even movies that are almost entirely focused on the action sequences (I loved 300.)  I’m for sacrifice, noble deaths, or even showing the horrors of war (I loved 300.)  But the deaths in this weren’t tragic, they weren’t poignant (save MAYBE Xavier’s, yet who resurrects in the same freaking film anyway), they were for ‘shock and awe’.  This is the kind of violence I understand parents not wanting their children to see.

The almost incoherent story.  What is it about?  Is it about Wolverine and Jean?  Is it about Magneto raising an army?  Is it about the government against mutants?  Its it about a cure for mutation?  Is it about Rogue / Bobby / Kitty? (Nope, not that – Rogue doesn’t have enough screen time.)  Is it a film celebrating diversity against conformity?  The cuts make it hard to follow, how it jumps around from shallow scene to shallow scene (with exceptions, like Kitty and Bobby), from meaningless random fight sequence to meaningless random fight sequence, I couldn’t figure out what point it was trying to make.  Or was it trying to make a point?

Taking the “hero” out of super-hero.  This film wasn’t about super-heroes.  Who or what were the X-Men trying to defend or protect?  They didn’t save anyone, they didn’t defend an ideal – they went off to save / kill one of their own and to fight Magneto, that’s it.  Super-heroes do fight super-villains, I know, I like comic books – but usually it isn’t “find Magneto and bop him” it’s “Magneto’s attacking the power plant, protect it and stop him!”  You COULD argue they were trying to protect the cure, or rescue Leech (I think they knew he was there, you’ll forgive me as I could only sit through it once), or stop the soldiers from killing Magneto’s army . . . but those are excuses.  The X-Men went to stop Jean and Magneto, for no other reason thematically other than they were the “black hats.”  I know people are going to disagree with me on this, but I strongly feel that much of this movie’s story was tailored around this battles they wanted to show off.  This whole film as a convoluted way to show many mutants with many powers bashing on each other.  You want heroic?  The tragic heroine is killing people and the main hero kills her.  That’s heroic!

And now the big one.  The Phoenix.  Here I will stick to what is only inside of this film, not in the other films or in comics in general.  The Phoenix, as presented in X3.  We are told that Professor Xavier had suppressed the Phoenix persona of Jean because the Phoenix was a chaotic entity, that she was a passionate, unrestrained terror.  Follow me here.  She’s dangerous and emotionally unstable.  Can’t be let to run loose or who knows what havoc she’ll cause.  So . . . why does she do nothing unless confronted?  At her house she is just sitting in a chair until attacked.  With Magneto she wanders through trees and stands at his side and says nothing, does nothing.  Only when soldiers try to attack her does she go on a killing spree.  Friends, that’s not passionate, nor is that chaotic, nor is that unrestrained.  That’s apathetic; that’s neutral; that’s reactionary.  The only time she uses her power is when she is directly threatened, otherwise she’s almost catatonic.
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There’s more.  Her telepathy is off the scale.  Her telekinesis can atomize in a second.  Yet she can be surprised (the two groups converge on her when she wants nothing to do with either of them – unless she is so “apathetic, neutral, and reactionary” that she doesn’t care they are coming) and, here’s one of my biggest problems with the film, she cannot atomize Wolverine faster than he can heal.  With a wave of her hand she can erase concrete walls and people by the dozens in less than a second, but Wolverine can heal his atoms being torn asunder faster than she can rip them apart.
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An argument is often made that Jean is fighting back against killing Logan because she has feelings for him.  I disagree that she does, but that’s an argument for the next part, and still I can show with reasonable certainty that this doesn’t hold water.  Scott was her true love and she killed him without a moment’s notice.  Xavier was like a father to her and she erased him unhesitantly (while he was telepathically fighting back.)
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There’s no reason she’d go off with Magneto.  None.  The film gives nothing.  She just does.

Ok, still with me?  Need a break?  Maybe you should go get a bite to eat, watch a show, read a book, take a nap.  At least grab some caffeine.  We’re well past the half-way point now, so buck up if you are willing to continue.  And thanks for coming with me this far.

Now on to the second part, looking at X3 as part of a trilogy.  Without going to outside sources (the comics and their stories, novels, previous writers, cartoons, etc.) and just sticking with the films you should still have continuity.  There needs to logical consistency between story-lines and characters.  Even with a change in writers and directors.  Look at the Harry Potter films, they do it just fine!  Superman 1-4, even as bad as the later films got, still were consistent in character and tone and didn’t retcon themselves.

X3, in my opinion, shreds its predecessors mercilessly.  Theme (racism to homophobia), tone (heroism and family to mindless violence and divison), and more are changed beyond recognition.  As this is already longer than most will tolerate reading, I’ll only pick a few major points and conclude.

Wolverine and Rogue.  The first two movies saw the film through their eyes, a little less so the second one, but the stories were largely about them and their being X-Men.  Wolverine was the loner, the one who kept things real by refusing to just wholeheartedly buy into what Xavier was selling.  He was seeking his past, had an unrequited love for Jean, and refused to set down roots despite caring about the others. By the end of the second film, however, he was part of the team and part of the family, no longer fighting against the connection there.  Rogue was the outsider, the one who was even different from the other mutants.  She was trying to lead as normal a life as possible, was young and couldn’t control her powers, and longed for a human connection.  Her crush on Logan was cute, and her developing relationship with Bobby was giving her confidence and strength.
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Then comes X3.  Wolverine is suddenly the commander, the leader, the inspiration to others.  He’s the one criticizing Scott for his lack of commitment.  Yet at the drop of a hat he’s forgetting everyone else to run after Jean, saying all he cares about is her, nothing else.  And yet he’s back giving orders and others are following his lead.  WTF?!?! Make up your damn minds, writers!  Is he Wolvie from film 1 or film 2?  Does he only care about Jean, or does he care about Rogue and the rest of the team.  Well, obviously not Rogue anymore (“we’ll look out for each others”) as she runs off and he doesn’t give her a flipping second thought – no one but Bobby seems to.
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Rogue loses all the progress she’s made in the last two films because she can’t touch Bobby.  Uhm, wasn’t she getting control of her powers?  She kissed Bobby without knocking him out in two?  Oh well, forget that, we need her depressed so she can be the poster child for the anti-gay camp, er, I mean cure, the mutant cure!  She is SO weak in the film it makes me ill.

Scott’s missing.  I think he’s dead, I think the film is STRONGLY implying Jean killed him, but all we REALLY get is the floating glasses.  At the end we get a tombstone, so he must be dead or presumed dead.  But NO ONE mentions him after the lake.  No tears, no eulogy at the end, he’s just erased from the film as if unimportant.  Well, for a film that wants you to feel Jean REALLY loves Logan (and I think there’s an argument to be made either way for that in X3) and especially for one that has the actor cast as Scott fleeing to stay with a good director, you better erase him.
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The mishandling of Scott’s character, the unforgiveably stupid death scene, and the complete lack of concern by ANYONE in the film about his death floors me.

It’s pretty well established that Charles and Erik are friends.  Xavier and Magneto.  In the films.  And yet Magneto just lets Jean kill Xavier.  I think this is really out of character for the Magneto of the film.

Storm and Jean are good friends.  We only get a bit of this in X2, but it is established.  In X3 Storm doesn’t seem too hurt / upset that Jean is bad (other than that she’s a threat) and seems to have no special feelings at the end for her being dead.

The first film the X-Men save the day, and the government probably knows that.  In the second film the X-Men save the day and PROVE IT to the government.  Now it is completely rational that the President and his advisors would still consider mutants, even the X-Men, as a threat.  But the actions of the X-Men at the end of X3?  Sentinels are DEFINITELY in production and I don’t think there’s a single X-Man really considering how their actions have caused more fear and hatred.  The spirit of what’s important about the X-Men as a concept is gone from this film.

Xavier’s dream is established in both previous films.  Mutants and humans living together peacefully.  The third film barely acknowledges the dream, then tosses it out the window for “mutant rights” instead.  Equality is not the same thing as getting into fights with others of your kind, the military, and trying to stop a “cure.”

The Bobby / Kitty relationship, though one of the few well-acted and fairly decently scripted parts of X3, flies in the face of the previous films.  Bobby doesn’t care about Rogue’s inability to touch as much as he cares about her.  His flirting with Kitty, while minor, strikes me as at least a little out of character.  It’s also a shallow plot device, existing to push Rogue out of the story.

Overall, it feels like X3 is an attempt to erase much of what Singer created.  Like a punishment for him leaving.  It almost certainly is NOT the case, though if they were trying to do so I doubt they could have gone much further without recasting for a complete reboot, and that would have been box office suicide.

Whew, that’s enough.  Time to wrap it up!

In conclusion, the reason I think X-Men: The Last Stand is the worst super-hero film, possibly one of the worst films ever, is not because of the actual overall quality of the film.  X3 has good production values, good special effects, great actors, decent acting, not horrible dialog, not an overly convoluted and full of holes plot, and lots of (mindless) action.  No, X3 is so bad because it is bad for the X-Men as a franchise.

In many ways It is like the Chuck Austen run on the books.

It disregards what came before although it wants to say its part of the continuity.  It destroys the hard work of those who came before.  It can’t decide what it wants to be.  It came from two critically acclaimed and fan-loved films, being part of a successful and good series, and ruined it about as bad as the Matrix sequels or the Star Wars prequels.  It shat on characters left, right and center.

It takes the concept of “mindless popcorn” to a new level.  The film reinforces the mainstream belief that super-hero movies are meaningless fluff that even when they try to tackle important real-world topics cannot help but devolve into pointless slugfests and explosions.

I hate this film.  I cannot think of another film that I hate.  I cannot think of much in my life that allows me to use the word hate so much and not feel guilty for having such strong emotions.  I hate this film for making me feel hate.  It is just a film, and I can ignore it (I try to, other than having to bring it up as “the worst super-hero film”) and just pretend that X-Men ended at 2.  But I can’t help it.  I see the DVD at a rental place or a store and suddenly my day has grown a little bit darker.

Compared to this film, I think Civil War was brilliant.  I enjoyed Bloodrayne more. You get it the level of disgust?

I hope that after reading this (some of you made it this far?  you deserve a medal) that you can at least understand WHY I dislike this film so much.  I may not have persuaded you at all just how bad X3 is, but hopefully from now on you’ll at least see what it is that I saw when I watch X-Men: The Last Stand.