Hello, folks. My name is not important, but my words are another matter. To kick things off I’d like to talk about an essential new member of the ocean eco-system. Yes, I’m referring to the thing known as oilus fakulus cancerus, you know, from the coral family. That wonderful oceanic by-product; plastic.
It’s good for so many different uses, it’s almost unnatural. If it weren’t for those brave men and women that risk life and limb (not sure if in that order) to fish for this wonderful substance that we use in our houses, our cars, our illegal dumping sites; where would we be as a species? One use close to my icy cold heart is the creation of shapes resembling characters that appear in movies or video games otherwise known as “action figures“.
Over the years there have been many of these so-called “action figures” in my path, but only a few have been considered worthy of non-consumption for their high nutritional value and displayed proudly near my coconut shelves, right next to the mounds of sand. They are:
Zodac (Masters of the Universe) – Ah, the one and only Evil Cosmic Enforcer, who wasn’t so evil and rarely enforced anything. His plainness IS his ultimate asset. How the hell did this figure not become more popular and start it’s own cult among the Hollywood elite? I mean, he has everything you would require for total world ignoration. The head casts it’s own magical spell. After a few months in your possession you will feel the urge to suckle and lick that soft, round, bland stare of plastic goodness. Those who have it know what I’m talking about. Those who don’t; the teat of Eternian unimportance awaits your gentle touch.
Sectaurs (Sectaurs) – Which one you say? All of them!! Only the most battle hardened of island castaways remember this Coleco backed foray into hand puppetry. Most, if not all, quickly filled the stomachs of children and adults who were unwilling or uncaring to actually notice it’s beautiful insectoid velvet smooth touch. You slipped into a Sectaur, you slipped out a changed individual. Dargon, I love y… ”Symbion” indeed!
Major Matt Mason’s Moon Suit (Major Matt Mason) - This salt shaker shaped piece of manliness is a doozy to display. With it’s black sleeves and big “3″ deco, it’s the perfect suit for the perfect lunar encounter. I hate the fact that NASA decided not to use this brilliant design for it’s actual moon walk because a “toy company” beat them to the punch and produced it for everyone to see. Some astronauts called the Moon Suit “the original chick magnet!” The soviets were red with envy at the mere mention of the name. Little known fact: C.I.A. planes dropped warehouse overstock of Major Matt Mason with Moon Suit toys into Habana in the late 1960′s at the behest of NASA just to confuse the communist regime on the island of Cuba, who would surely send some to the Kremlin. To this day, the parts are recycled for the “El Mejor Mateo Masón – Vintage Car Mechanic” Cuban toy line.
Generic Robot Wind-Up Toy (Tomy) – Two inches and seven seconds of awkward moving perfection. Everyone that’s anyone has one. Nothing more needs to be said. Move along.
Lex Luthor (DC Superheroes) - The smirk. The battle suit. The man! Not since the first days of humanity has a concept (evil genius) been so perfectly captured on a substance other than candle wax. I have gazed into it many times and still find myself amazed at it’s awesomeness. The character that made green and purple sexy, in plastic form, with his coolest suit and without the constipated look. (I’m looking at you, Super Powers Lex!) Only a true evil genius puts on a skirt and dares you to call him on it. Never will it leave my side, unlike so many of my ex-girlfriends. Mainly the ones not made of sand and fish blubber… What?
Any of the voices in my head care to comment? (any rebuttals or agreements go here)
There you have it. Plastic in it’s most important form. I wonder if the nutrients come from the toxic amounts of lead paint in them.
Who knows? Who Cares? Who wants seconds? I know I do.
So does Sandy, my current girlfriend. Until the tide takes her away. She will be missed.
Merin on 
