Imaginary Dudes I wanted to hang out with…

Before we start: No, Magic Johnson was not magical or imaginary. His safe-sex practices; that’s a whole different story. I never idolized sport figures, unlike many of my friends. It was cool to watch them, but that was it. No Coca-Cola moment would make me think “Mean” Joe Green was a cool dude. If he had trampled that kid, whole different story.

For the record; I’m a Larry Bird guy myself. Before the McDonald’s commercials and the old man haircut. Now that that’s out of the way, here’s a few imaginary fellas I thought of hanging out with, saving the known universe was an added bonus.

Han Solo – Ha! Like there was any other possibility of him not being first. A cool dude, and he bangs Princess Leia. Enough said.

Spider-Man – Back when I was a kid, this guy was cool. No darn symbioites for miles, kicking Electro’s butt four times a week was the norm and he looked forward to the chance of banging MJ.

Batman – How could he not be here? Even in blue and yellow, he was awesome. Everyone knew he banged Catwoman on a regular basis, so that was even better.

Death – He plays chess, carries a scythe, speaks Swedish and can travel between dimensions; who wouldn’t want to hang out with him?

Zatoichi – Blind, masseuse, swordsman. Also “Hanzo the Razor” in disguise. And you know he had a peculiar way with the ladies.

Mad Max – I wanted to ride one of this guy’s cars like you wouldn’t believe. Then he found God and everything went straight to hell.

Buckaroo Banzai – What a freakin’ awesome dude and he had his own band! Nice. And he was a personal friend of…

Robocop – Awesome as well. That weird sense of humor always a hit at parties. Never used the bathroom, which was also cool.

Skeletor – He-Man was boring… and gay. This dude was hilarious, and blue….and also gay. Didn’t bother me one bit.

Joe the Condor - Everyone wanted to hang out with Ken. Not me. This guy was a better driver than Mad Max anyways, and he wore hip pants.

Pac-Man – I would often wonder how dots and power pellets tasted. Who better to guide me than ole’ Puckman himself. And his GF was a total slut. Don’t believe me? Check out an arcade cabinet.

Joust Knight – Only he could teach me the secret of the “ostrich butt bounce.” Only he.

Yar – Any Yar. Why did they want revenge? Was there some deep, dark secret only a select few could know?

Krusher – As strong as Hulk. As mean as Godzilla. He was one of the creators of “Viagra.” True story.

Mazinger Z – His GF fired her boobs at evil-doers. ‘Nuff said.

Time Traveller – I would do crazy stuff with this guy and no one would believe us! How awesome is that?

Gandalf – It’s always fun to hang out with a cranky old man. Magic is a plus.

Tron – Duh! Of course I want to hang with this guy. He could always find the keys at night. And the loincloth is a great ice-breaker.

Donkey Kong – I always thought he was on steroids. Apes on steroids are always fun.

Luke Skywalker – Sure, Han was the cool dude on campus and everybody wanted to hang out with him, but Luke could always get into the weird cool places that nobody knew about. How can that not be awesome??

Whew… that’s a lot of folks, so I guess I’ll be busy for the next few weeks. We all want to see Gandalf and Donkey Kong go at it; I have five on the old guy!

Read you later, folks.