So, what’s better than a Halloween Costume? How about a Halloween costume that no one wanted so they have a surplus at the Halloween shop and are offering a huge discount just to get rid of the damned thing? That’s right: It’s clearance Halloween Costume time! I’ll be going through the catalog of Halloweencostumes.com (clever name), and do a review of some samplings of Halloween costumes in the clearance aisle. I chose Halloween Costumes because they’re the first site listed in google that had images I could save directly on my computer, instead of some Flash BS. I’ll try and focus on the humorously bad, but if something nifty catches my eye I’ll let you know about it.
60’s Swinger Red Adult Costume
I always find it interesting when a company makes a costume for a character they don’t actually have the license for. Gee, who could this “60’s Swinger” possibly be? Well, all things considered it’s not a bad Austin Powers costume, which is a great buy if your Halloween party is taking place five years ago. There are actually a LOT of variations on the “ripping off Austin Powers and hoping no one notices” theme in the world of crappy Halloween costumes, but I’ll just leave it at this and move on.
Sleepy-time stormtrooper comes with everything seen here. Gloves and blankie not included.
Princess Leia Slave Dog Costume
Do I even need to say how much of a bad idea this is? Okay, creepy Halloween costume purchaser: if you want to dress your dog up in a gold bikini, that’s your deal. If you do, I’d recommend not letting anyone else know about it. There’s bound to be laws against this sort of thing.
Tiger Lily Girls Indian Costume
As a Native American, I’m never quite sure how to feel about Indian Halloween costumes. They’re harmless, sure, but did you have to get the whitest kid possible to pose for it? Or would it somehow be more racist to get an actual Indian… the mind boggles…
“Sure, sweety, you can be any Superhero you want. Just so long as you don’t expect to wear an entire shirt.”
Seeing as the only really specific thing about Betty Boop’s appearance is her bizarre, melting bean head, this is really just a “slut” costume. Also, all the women I’ve met who are into Betty Boop enough to want to dress as her for Halloween are exactly the types I would never, ever want to see in this costume.
Deluxe Child Muscle Shirt Indiana Jones
By itself this costume isn’t so bad: I mean, it’s Indiana Jones. Give a dude some khakis and a brown shirt and you’re set. But seriously: are the rippling pecs really the most important part of Jones’ look? And should we really be encouraging children to wear their shirts in a way that shows off their chest? Bonus points for the fact that his costume literally has “Indiana Jones” printed on it, for the 5 people in the world who wouldn’t recognize the character.
Isn’t that just how tween-aged white girls dress anyway? It doesn’t even come with the microphone! (which is, apparently, a marshmallow covered in glitter)
No complaints on this one: I just wanted to link to it. Downside: the best part of the costume (the shoes) aren’t included. Also, either this particular pimp put his chain on backwards, or they flipped the image before putting it on their site.
Y’know, the stormtrooper costume was in trouble for putting too little effort into the costume itself. This one, however, kind of suffers from putting too much effort into what is basically a collared shirt and vest. No, Halloween costume designers, you don’t need to draw fake pockets on the vest. The public can tell who it is already. Also, how racist is it that I immediately wanted to call that kid “Juan Solo”?
Michael Jackson Billie Jean Costume
I can’t say that I’m surprised by the sudden burst of Michael Jackson costumes this year, but they certainly are surreal. It’s an odd case in that, even though you’re dressing as an actual person, it still seems strikingly the same as dressing as a cartoon character. This one isn’t bad, except for the fact that it’s, y’know, not the outfit from Billie Jean.
Oh well, at least you get the shiny socks included. Plus, all things considered, why would you go as anything but Thriller Michael at this time of year?
Costume makers, I think you should all just get together and come to terms with a simple fact: Transformers do not convert to cloth costumes well. It’s just not in their nature! Couldn’t you at least start including gloves with the damned things?
That guy is just way too happy to be wearing that thing.
At first I opened this one up thinking that those terrible “smock with a picture of the character on it” costumes had come back, but I found something much more bizarre. They’re honestly selling Trick-or-Treat sacks now? Really? I’m gonna tell you a story, friends: one time, I went trick or treating with my friends. I used a pillow case. THE. END. Nobody actually cares what your bag looks like. At least this one seems to take into account how heavy a bag full of candy can get. I can’t shake the feeling, though, that this is camping equipment they’re trying to dump off on gullible parents.
Hey, remember that time George Bush senior got stung by all those bees after suffering a stroke?
Only mentioned because this is just another in a long line of mediocre products that tries to stand out through use of a topless woman.
Just an FYI to costume makers: In the future, try and make a point of making sure that funnel on top of the tin man’s head does NOT (and this is the important bit) make the wearer look like some kind of futuristic, Steampunk Klansman.
Seriously? Not even actual boots: Boot TOPS? And do the rangers actually have their logo on each boot now? Man, brand recognition just ain’t what it used to be. Seriously, kids, if you buy a Power Rangers costume and it doesn’t come with any boots, just find some black boots at the Salvation Army.
Sexy Spider Girl Costume
I guess the fact that the actual Spider-Girl costume is pretty much just the Ben Reilly Spider-Man costume didn’t really loan itself to the “sexy version of things” mandate that apparently applies to all women’s Halloween costumes.
Adult Elroy Jetson Costume
If there are two things that don’t add up to a good idea for a costume, it’s “Adult” and “Elroy Jetson”. Seriously, if you and your friends decide to go to a party dressed for whatever reason as the Jetsons, make sure that you’re not the one stuck as Elroy. Go as the friggin’ dog if you have to.
Frankly, after seeing sexy versions of everything from The Wizard of Oz (yes, the actual wizard) to Jane Jetson, it’s downright awkward to see a largely accurate, surprisingly frumpy version of a well-known female character. We don’t see the back of this costume though: it probably wedges up into a thong or something.
That is the look of a man who knows exactly what he’s wearing. Look at his eyes, just begging the camera man to finish so he can go home and drink away his shame. His face seems to warp the more I stare at it… the smile trying desperately to bend downward into the deep, baleful grimace he so desperately wishes to make. This is horror, ladies and gentlemen. Well, gentlemen: I don’t think any women visit this site.
Shane “Inkmonkey” Woodis started making webcomics in 2003, and didn’t stop until he graduated from the Joe Kubert School in 2008. Since then he’s worked as a freelance artist, and as a moderator for the DrunkDuck website. He has also contributed to two of their print collections. His best known work is Elijah and Azuu, an action/comedy series that ran on DrunkDuck for 5 years and over 1300 pages. 
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