This Is Not Twilight – Porn Parody Review

Warning – This is HONESTLY a review of a porn parody.  Read at your own risk.

Okay, I know the whole point of this column is to talk about webcomics, but I think we can all agree that “webcomics” are just a step away from “painfully ill-conceived porn”, which is what brings us to “This Isn’t Twilight, the XXX Parody”! Of course, if Paramount (or whoever owns real Twilight) was feeling saucy they could probably sue over the whole thing, since I don’t think “parody” generally translates as “a handful of scenes lifted wholesale from the original with fucking in between”. Remember back when porn versions of stuff tended to count as a parody at least in the name? You got things like, “Super Hornio Bros.”, or “Edward Penishands” (a true classic of the “tried so hard but not hard enough making it hilarious” class of porno). But no, TITTXXXP (written, of course, with “This Isn’t” and “The XXX Parody” in tiny, tiny font) just tries to be the original product, with no soul or humor in the presentation. Though honestly, I guess that’s what porn-hungry fans of the original wanted in the first place… Either way, Not Twilight creators put about as much effort into actually producing their so-called parody as they did thinking up the name.

The film begins with a rehash of the infamous “you’re a vampire” scene from the Twilight film. I guess I should mention that I’ve never read any of the Twilight book series, though I have had it explained to me through a series of complaints. I have, however, seen the movie. Just as an FYI, I snuck in a bottle of schnapps to make the viewing easier, so my memory of it may be a bit hazy. Either way, not Twilight makes the same mistake as Real Twilight of having the Edward character (a vampire, for those unfamiliar with the original) constantly walking around in obvious daylight. If they did it on purpose it would be a scathing incite and a rich mine for parody, but of course it’s just them having shitty production values. Even by porn standards the camera work is particularly shitty, and I guess they couldn’t afford a boom mic or something because you can’t really hear a thing anyone’s saying unless they’re screaming in orgasm. The film also includes a ridiculous sequence where they try to approximate Edward’s vampiric super-speed, which they accomplish by just making the actor run really fast. They don’t even speed it up! He’s just having some kind of barely-audible conversation with the Bella character (played by Jenna Haze, the closest this thing gets to a star), then to prove a point he hauls ass. Then they jump cut to him standing behind her and continuing their conversation.

Now we’re pulling up on the scene from the original that all horror fans dread: the sunlight scene. I’m sure you’ve heard of this already, but if not, get ready. Vampires in the Twilight series are not harmed by the sun. At all. And yet they only go out at night or on cloudy days… why could this be? Because the sunlight reveals their true form, of course! Apparently their true form is constantly on its way to a rave and/or coming home from a strip club, because basically sunlight makes them look like they’re covered in body glitter. Apparently you only need to filter it through some heavy cloud coverage for the effect to be completely nullified, so that’s convenient. Real Twilight wasted a lot of the special effect budget to get that effect in the movie, but Not Twilight does the smart thing and just puts some actual body glitter on the actor and calls it a day.

So, with that bit of nonsense out of the way, we can move on to the rest of the film. Not Edward and Not Bella go back to Ed’s place with no real transition between this scene and the previous one. It’s basically a rehash of a scene from the movie, though the porn set is slightly more interesting than the one from the movie. Edward explains that he doesn’t have a bed since he doesn’t have to sleep, which intrigues Bella to the point that she decides to give him a painful looking handjob for a few minutes. I think she was trying to give his dick an Indian Burn. This leads to some standard porno sex, which basically consists of extreme close-ups of Jenna’s purplish, gaping vagina. I should mention that the whole film is kind of washed out, with the hue adjusted to give everything this sort of blue tint. As far as I’m aware, this is done to save money on vampire makeup, since it approximates the deathly pallor more or less. These adjustments, however, are just not conducive to sexy viewing. Also, the dude playing Edward has this huge scar on his inner thigh, and I’m sort of afraid to find out where he got it from. I’m hoping it’s just from a biking accident, and not some kind of painful hand job that went even more terribly wrong. Aside from a few token comments about Edward being extremely cold to the touch, there’s no reason to believe that this sequence has any relation to the Twilight series. Of note: I have no idea what they’re having sex on. I’ll assume, because they said that Edward doesn’t have a bed, that they must be having sex on a table that someone accidentally put a mattress on.

After about twenty minutes of standard porn sex we jump to a scene of Edward’s parents making dinner… I think. The mom is just chopping up a carrot and tossing it into a frying pan. In the movie I think she was making a whole salad, but I guess “lettuce” wasn’t in the budget. They talk about how “hunters” are in the area, but don’t really explain much beyond that. Edward and Bella come in and they talk for a bit. Eddie’s mom makes a point of saying that Bella smells really good, which in any other porno would lead directly into a lesbian scene, but here it serves no purpose other than to remind us that the mom is supposed to be a vampire. There’s apparently another brother (whose name I can’t recall so I’ll just call him “The Weird One”), but he’s not ready to meet company because he’s still new to the whole “not eating people” thing and might attack her. Instead, he’s upstairs with his sister/girlfriend being calmed down (and yes, that’s basically just another 20 minute sex scene). The actor playing The Weird One does a good job of replicating The Weird One’s blank, dead-fish stare from the original movie. I’m not sure if that was done on purpose or if the dude just had a really hard time remembering his lines. The original had another brother/sister combo, but this is a movie that already can’t afford lettuce, so they’re gone. Anyway, once they’re done fucking The Weird One and his sister/girlfriend come downstairs to meet Bella, and the Dad character reminds everyone that there are “hunters” in the area, and that Bella would be safer if she stayed with them. He also says that they’d be safer by having Bella around, which I can only assume means that, if rations run low, they can just eat her.

So, what the Hell are these hunters anyway? Well, we cut to a scene of some schmoe watching TV, when the doorbell rings. Who should be at the door but a naked woman, ready for the sexing! To the surprise of no one, she turns out to be a vampire and totally eats that guy. I should mention that she’s easily the least-pleasant looking woman in the whole film. Anyway, she’s helped by a vampire who’s supposed to look like the blonde bad guy from the film, but he ends up just looking like any other porn actor except with a spectacularly shitty wig. Then the porn version of the Black Vampire with Dreadlocks shows up, and he’s pretty much the closest the porn gets to hiring anyone who looks even remotely like the character they’re supposed to be. For whatever reason, he tells the other two to stop killing people, but they’re having none of that. In fact, the unpleasant woman informs him that she’s still not satisfied which—surprise!—leads to another twenty minute sex scene. At least they got rid of the corpse first, otherwise this would likely be the most awkward bit of pornography I’ve ever seen. By the end of it we learn that vampire sperm is almost as good as human blood (who knew?), and that it’s apparently ice cold.

So, with all our players in place we can only wait for the inevitable confrontation. I’m curious about how they’re going to do that ridiculous vampire baseball sequence in porn format. For now we cut to Mom and Dad getting into bed (even though we’ve already established that vampires don’t sleep, but whatever). They talk a bit about what will happen when The Hunters show up, and Mom complains that she can’t relax because she can smell Bella. Like her son, she needs to be calmed with twenty minutes of by-the-book porn-style sexing. After a quick spritz of vampire DNA on her implants, she warns that she’ll need to be calmed some more now that Bella’s here, at which point the movie ends. Wait, what? That’s it? An hour of bad fucking and 10 minutes of bad dialogue? Why even inject the Hunter subplot if you’re not going to do anything with it? It’s not like any of the characters were actually important in the original movie. Maybe it’s parodying the fact that the villains in the movie obviously only existed as an afterthought to give some semblance of a story arc to Edward and Bella’s for-no-reason romance. I doubt it, but that’s the best I could come up with.

Not Twilight is, obviously, just a regular porn with bits of Twilight sprinkled between the fucking. Obviously, the whole thing is meant to appeal to fans of the films, but there’s some problem with that. The whole thing is essentially identical to any other porno aimed at your average beer-swilling man who happens to like tits. However, the average Twilight fan is at best a preteen girl and at worst an emo covered in body glitter. These aren’t the kind of people who want to see close-ups of Jenna Haze’s purple, “Catcher’s Mitt” vagina. Similarly, the same kind of people who regularly watch this kind of porno are exactly the same people who hate Twilight. It’s like putting Jack Daniel’s in a Dora the Explorer cup: the kind of people who want the cup don’t want to drink what’s inside, and the people who want the drink don’t want to be seen holding the cup