Fifteen years ago saw the premiere of Power Rangers: The Movie starring, among others, Jason David Frank as the White Ranger; acting leader of the team. Somewhere at the film premiere was one of Frank’s idols, Jean Claude Van Damme. Details are sketchy, but what is known is that Van Damme somehow blew off Frank. What Van Damme was doing at the premiere of what was essentially a children’s film isn’t quite clear, but the important part is that Frank has never quite forgiven him for the slight. Skip ahead to the year 2010, and things have changed a bit. Van Damme hasn’t been in a blockbuster film the whole decade, and Frank has put aside the tights and put on some MMA gloves, and he’s gunning for Van Damme! For his part, Van Damme has expressed some interest in getting into mixed martial arts fighting, which brings us to a very chilling and very real possibility:
The Green Ranger and Guile throwing down in the Octagon!
That sound you just heard was your inner child screaming with delight.
But how to judge a battle of such epic proportions? Do we go with our Elementary School hero and throw our support behind the pilot of the Dragon-zord, or do we go with our mid-teens selves and go with the guy who simply could not stop doing splits! Perhaps this is not for simple mortals such as ourselves to know, but for the least we can contemplate this fierce battle as we do all quandaries in life: listing their pros and cons. We’ll start with Frank, since he’s the one who issued the challenge.
Pro: Former Teenager with Attitude
Con: Current Adult With a Tattoo of a Baby on his Chest
(for his sake, I’ll assume that’s his daughter)
Pro: Adjusted to taking orders from a giant head.
Con: Adjusted to taking orders from a giant head.
Pro: Managed to create his own style of martial arts.
Con: Said martial arts style does not involve the Dragon Zord.
Pro: Can somehow play a dagger through a helmet.
Con: No Weapons or armor allowed in mixed martial arts fights.
Pro: Single-handedly defeated the entire Power Rangers team when he first appeared
Con: Most of that was actually done by some Japanese guy.
Pro: Inducted in 2003 into the martial arts hall of fame.
Con: Has also received a Kid’s Choice Award.
Pro: Hangs out with Scorpion.
Cons: Also hangs out with that gay robot.
Pro: Took home a gold medal from a full-contact, Muay Thai tournament.
Con: Cut off his bitchin’ ponytail.
Well, things don’t look too bad for the green one. His MMA record is actually pretty short, with only two fights listed so far, but he has managed to win both of them in the first round. It seems Frank may have a bit more than a history as a superhero helping him in this fight, but what do the Muscles from Brussels bring to the table?
Pro: Gets to be called, “The Muscles from Brussels”
Con: His middle name is “Camille”
Pro: Can totally do the splits you guys. Like, you don’t even know!
Con: Doing the splits basically just makes nut shots easier.
Pro: Has only lost one fight in his professional career, and even that was by decision.
Con: Starred in “Legionnaire”.
Pro: Former holder of the “Mr. Belgium” body building title.
Con: Is about 5’8” tall.
Pro: Still in pretty good shape for nearly being 50 years old.
Con: Is still nearly 50 years old.
Pro: Has fought himself several times on film
Con: Most of those films weren’t very good.
Pro: Has appeared in three Universal Soldier films
Con: Has appeared in one episode of Friends.
Pro
Con
Compelling evidence for both sides, indeed. I think the deciding factor will definitely be Frank’s baby tattoo. Will Van Damme be unwilling to round house kick an image of a child? Or will the image of Frank’s child serve as nothing more than a bullseye for Van Damme to strike Frank where it will hurt him the most… his heart (both figuratively and literally, in this case).
Shane “Inkmonkey” Woodis started making webcomics in 2003, and didn’t stop until he graduated from the Joe Kubert School in 2008. Since then he’s worked as a freelance artist, and as a moderator for the DrunkDuck website. He has also contributed to two of their print collections. His best known work is Elijah and Azuu, an action/comedy series that ran on DrunkDuck for 5 years and over 1300 pages. 
Merin on 
