Welcome to B Movie Battlefield. Where normally I take two movies and make them face off against each other like roosters in a back alley in Mexico. I have been away for a while, but I’m back at InGenre to pass on more valuable information about movies you will likely never watch. This episode of BMB is actually a solo review and play-by-play of a stink pile of a movie. Get ready, here comes:
The 1958 film “Teenage Caveman.” A journey into stupid.
First came the sun and the moon, then the flowers and the animal, and according to the narrator, next came man and perhaps the script to this steaming pile of a movie.
The movie starts out with a brilliantly scripted grunt. The men have returned from the hunt and talk like cavemen. This is not really all that surprising but the hope that they might be understandable is there at first. Then you realize that this really is unfortunate, since it might not have been the intention of the scriptwriter.
The main characters, okay, the only characters have a witty back-and-forth about the law. The law is pretty simple: Don’t cross the river. It is expanded into 15 minutes of blather and a lot of who cares.
When our characters get tired of grunting about the laws, they tell the viewer about the great gifts to man: fire, the wheel and a third one that is to be able to build and break, which coincidentally is the first great lesson. Then because the law apparently is so complicated that our main character hasn’t understood it, yet they go back to talking about the word of the law. Hooray.
The script twists us in a wretched circular motion until finally the men decide to go on the hunt. This is incredibly boring, but also welcome, since by now they have said all there is to say about the law. They all play rattles like they are in some kind of ’70s hippie commune, which seems to bring about a bear who is either pissed off at the rattling or attracted to it. The bear, or as they call it, “the fur beast” (which is without question a man in a suit), manages to kill one of the hunters by hugging him, as the rest of the men just watch. This is chock full of awkward. Then the bear is dead — not sure how — and they return.
We arrive back into camp just in time to hear about the law. So finally someone decides that they have had enough of being told what to do and they decide they will proceed past the river at dawn.
Who doesn’t love a good walking montage? They are so good they give us another one. Walking montage 2! Now with water!
They stop walking, but decided they haven’t walked far enough.
More walking. So begins the third montage.
The main character stops the montage to discover the pan flute, which attracts a really friggin’ huge stock footage iguana. All of a sudden, another animal appears and they begin an epic battle that I have seen used before in some other bad B-Movies.
Now starts the running montage.
With the team separated from all the running, one of them finds what they call “the sinking earth” — looks like water to me. So he dies. While walking in despair, the leader “befriends” a chipmunk by throwing rocks at it and eventually killing it and sticking it in his belt. With a fresh chipmunk kill on his belt, he decides to build a fire and sees a monster that is kind of hard to explain. It looks like the pod people but a guerilla.
More walking. Now with dead deer and charred chipmunk!
His dead animals attract a bunch of dogs. Why wouldn’t they? Luckily the time/space-deficient script brings along his father in time to find him, kill the dogs, and take him back to camp, and is even sentenced to death for crossing the river.
A lame fight to the death begins and ends when a saggy old man says enough. Thus ending the most anticlimactic fight ever. With the most saggy old man in B-movie history.
So far, this movie is completely devoid of any plot, so to make it complete, they decide to add in some nudity. The main character watches some girl shower, plays his pipes for her and she finds his peeping irresistible.
Finally we see another person from what I am sure is another clan and definitely a way to freshen up the script. With the possibility of the story looking up, they slaughter him and his horse, which he calls a beast.
These people are not just cavemen; they are retarded. I mean, I get that if you see a person riding a horse for the first time it probably would freak you out. However, you wouldn’t think that it was a horse with a man growing out of it. You are an idiot as well. Let’s get real.
So then our main character becomes a man. He gets a wife and then digs a hole in the side of the mountain for what these people call a sleeping place. Then begins another rant about the damn law. Our lawbreaker stops for a couple minutes to invent the quiver. Then decides he must break the law again and takes his dad with him.
Well that just pisses the village right off. So the people decide they are going to kill the two of them.
They meet up with the pod person guerilla type thing. After all that, they discover that the pod person thing is a real person and he is unmasked like in a Scooby-Doo cartoon. They find that he has documents and books about the atomic era and all the advancements of man.
Then as if this movie wasn’t bad enough we get treated to the cheapest possible way out for a script writer and shows us that it’s likely the place that M. Night Shamalama whatever the hell his name is got his idea for “The Village,” because in the end it’s the EXACT SAME GOD DAMN MOVIE. So go ahead. Watch it if you want. But don’t say you weren’t warned.